guilty

It's a little after 2 PM and both my kids just went down for naps.  I have worked hard all this week trying to get them on the same schedule so that every day I get 2 whole hours of quietness.  It is AWESOME(understatement).  I look forward to this time every day and even though I'm usually fairly unproductive it is so nice to have some time to myself... to just breathe.

Today I am feeling guilty.  This morning I was letting Mack walk around without his diaper on and every time he would have to pee he would spray a little out on the floor and then run to the potty and sit there and nothing would happen.  I kept wiping up his spray with a clorox wipe and it left sticky spots on my floor.  So that spurred me into a cleaning frenzy.  Do you ever just get in the mood to clean?  anyone anyone?  I totally do.  So we put Ruby to sleep and I started with my bathroom.  I kinda let Mack do whatever he pleased and let him help with windex and the mirror's.  Then when Ruby woke up early I put her in her swing to get 30 more minutes of her asleep.  Mack asked to watch Barney and honestly he doesn't watch much TV, I mean he doesn't regular watch a show per day so I figured he could watch his show and I could keep cleaning.  So I cleaned Mack's bathroom and then headed to the downstairs.  I started with the floor by the door and swept and got ready to wash it(i'm a hand and knees kind of girl).  Ruby woke up so I fed her and had Mack take care of her(risking her life) so I could clean the floor.  We had lunch and I cleaned that up and then proceeded to vacuum all the rugs which led to washing the floor in the kitchen and laundry room too.  So now my kids are in bed and my house is pretty darn clean and I feel guilty.

Why?  Well I feel like our society is never pleased with women.  You fail if your house is dirty.  Who cares if it is dirty because you were helping your kids all day or your husband is never home or maybe your neighbor is really sick and you have been helping her bottom line is your house is dirty=fail.  But if you spend your day letting your kids sleep in swings and watch shows and not sit and play with them that is a fail too.  Every day isn't like this.  We spend lots of mornings where I just sit and play or read stories or bounce that baby but today I didn't let my 2 young kids stop me.  Today was a day I just plowed through and got the stuff that I have wanted to do for the whole time I've been living here done.  I shouldn't feel guilty I should feel happy and accomplished and excited to spend time with my kids tomorrow.

I just think those signs that say 'don't mind the mess the children are making memories' are lame.  I don't think there is anything wrong with taking time away from our children to clean up our houses and feel happy that we can walk bare footed.

and guess what tomorrow I'm going to gym and taking them to the gym child care too.

it depends on the minute

I seriously feel like my life can change in a minutes time.  We could be having the best time and then all the sudden everything crashes and the day takes a u-turn.  Sometimes it's more gradual but usually it's just like BAM and rattles my world.

Today we were having a pretty good morning, and Mack started to get a little naughty so I knew I needed to get him out of the house, so I popped him and Ruby in the stroller and headed down the street so I deliver something to a friend.  Next thing I know Ruby is screaming and is pretty ticked to be in the stroller.  It was so frustrating.  I just wanted to enjoy a little peaceful walk and I couldn't even get a block!.  So I sat and bounced her on the side of the street until she calmed down enough for me to push her.  Eventually she fell asleep and stayed asleep until we got back home.

Once we were home I got the sprinklers going and Mack just played.  It's amazing how well he can entertain himself outside with hardly anything to do.  I brought the exersaucer outside too and Ruby played in there for almost a hour.  Then we got everyone ready for naps and now it is peaceful!  I'm learning to embrace these peaceful moments because they seriously can change so quickly.

I want this blog to be a place where I can write down the good and the bad so I can remember both.  It's not always going to be perfect but it's the hard that makes the good so good.  I probably wouldn't have enjoyed my time outside with my two kids as much had it not been a little frustrating beforehand.

PS Mack turns two tomorrow!

we are all in this together

Sometimes motherhood feels lonely.  Actually most of the time.  There are days that the only conversation I have before dinnertime is with the cashier at the store.  And a lot of the time you feel like you will be forever in this phase of diapers, naps, and never getting more than 10 minutes to accomplish that task.

Today as I walking my two babies up to the park I walked past a house where a mom was on the porch watching her toddler walk up and down the stairs while bouncing a baby in a car seat carrier.  A few houses down there was a mom mowing her lawn with a baby in an exersaucer on the porch.  This made me smile as I realized I am not alone, women around me are in the exact situation doing the best they can every day.  Sometimes I find myself really worried about people judging me because of my children.  If they are dressed poorly, smell bad, cry a lot etc etc etc.  But I have to remember that most people around me are too busy worrying about their own kids to stop and pick me apart about mine.  Most people also know that life isn't pretty and perfect very often, so if it appears to be that way we must be having a really good day.  Later on my walk Ruby was still being really fussy so I decided to try to carry her while pushing the stroller up the hill.  I noticed then that she was poopy so we pulled off to the street and changed her diaper on the sidewalk and then nursed on the sidewalk too.  Not ideal but totally worth not having a screaming baby all the way to the park.

It's empowering to see other moms do their thing.  I read a quote I really like the other day;
"the best antidote for worry is work.  the best medicine for despair is service.  the best cure for weariness is the challenge of helping someone more tired." President Gordon B. Hinckley

reality

It hit me hard this week that we are moving away from the only place I know.  With June just around the corner I really started to feel the emotions of living home.  I started to really recognize how much I was going to miss the people who make home what it means to me.  It's hard trying to balance everything.  I want to spend as much time as possible with family and my closest friends before we leave.  But I also have so much I need to do.  I also want to just enjoy Sam and being a little family and enjoy the everyday beauties and blessings.  Mack and Ruby are so fun and I love being with them .

Tonight we met up with my parents for ice cream.  They are leaving for France tomorrow and I have had the hardest coming to peace with that.  It seems cruel to have them leave right before I leave.  Everyday Mack asks for Nona, he absolutely adores and loves her.  And so do I.  When I think about home and missing it my mom is the thing I will miss the most.  She is the reason why thinking about moving is so hard.  Tonight Mack was crying and screaming as we sad good-bye because he didn't want to leave her and it took all I had not to cry too.  My mind fast forwarded to a few weeks away driving away from her all over again but this time driving to my new home that's hundreds of miles away.  Nothing can prepare me for that moment and I can't say I'm looking forward to it at all.

turning 2

My oldest baby is turning 2 in about a week and you can tell.  He is starting to get a little more naughty and test the boundaries more.  He is also learning a ton!  I love his little voice.  He is trying to say more words and learning new ones almost every day.  He knows how to start his own prayer now and he knows at the end when to say 'Jesus' and says it without prompt.

He makes me laugh every single day with something he does.  Yesterday he was playing along side Ruby and got a little too rough.  It didn't warrant a total time out or big dramatic punishment but I thought he needed to be removed for a minute.  I picked him up and put him in his chair in his bedroom and explained that he need to sit there for a minute and remember to play soft with Ruby.  He didn't mind sitting in his chair at all.  Afterwards he got up and ran over to Ruby and kissed her and said sorry.  Not too long after he was playing and something similar happened, I  was brushing my teeth and couldn't really talk to him but he knew I was upset.  He jumped up and said 'chair' while pointing and running to his chair.  He then climbed up and sat there until I told him to get down.

Having 2 little ones is really the best blessing.  It's double hard but double the joy and the funnies.  Plus it's really so nice that Mack still naps every single day so every day I get a time out and some one on one with Ruby.

my babies ruin my tan

I realized over the Memorial Day weekend that it's going to be awhile before I get to actually relax at the pool and possibly ever get a tan again.  Mack is Mr. Adventurous in the water and requires constant watching since he has no fear.  Ruby is still eating every 2-3 hours and can't be in the sun that pretty much means I get to stay in the shade with her.  And we think we want to have 2 more kids in about 3 years just when everyone can be in an inner tube and splash around without me we will start all over so I guess i'll just get tan in 7 years.  :)

I wanted to write Ruby's birth story before she gets too old.  Meeting Ruby was such a different experience than meeting Mack.  I don't know if it was because Ruby's labor was shorter and much more painful so the moment wasn't as surreal but of course it was special in it's own way.  Towards the end of my pregnancy with Ruby I was so ready to meet her!  I just wanted to get started down the path of life with two kids and stop being limited by my pregnancy.  I walked a lot and did lots of foot rubs trying to induce labor.  I had millions of contractions and at my 37 week appointment was dilated to a 3+ but Dr Cannon wouldn't strip my membranes until the next week but she did think that doing that would put me into labor.  That weekend we went to the pool and I swam laps which what was put me into labor with Mack.  Swimming laps is one of the only things that actually feels good when you are that far along.  It was Presidents weekend so we enjoyed having Sam around.  Sunday night my contractions really started to pick up- they weren't painful just frequent.  I kinda felt like if I got up and walked around that I could them going and put me into labor but I really didn't want to call someone in the middle of the night to come for Mack and then have it be a false alarm so I tried to sleep.  Finally at 5 AM I decided to get up and walk around and time them.  They were regular and about every 2-4 minutes but still no pain so I wasn't sure what to do.  Mack woke up and we made breakfast together and played on the floor until Sam woke up.  Then we cleaned up the house and showered and decided to run some errands and see how I was feeling and maybe go to the hospital.  After walking around target we decided to just go to the hospital and see what happened.  The hospital was hopping.  We arrived with another couple and there was only one room available so they put me in the monitoring room- which I had been in that room multiple times with Ruby already.  We waited 30-45 minutes for the nurse and Mack enjoyed all the buttons and snacks.  Finally the nurse came and checked me and the baby.  I was dilated to a 4 and having regular contractions but they weren't strong.  She called the Dr. on call since it was a holiday and she said to check me in an hour.  At that point Sam took Mack to my moms and I walked the halls of the labor and delivery thinking about having another baby and my world changing forever.  I was pretty sad and uncertain about having Ruby that day.  It was about two and a half weeks early and I wasn't sure I was ready.  I was sad to think about how Mack and mine's relationship would change.  I contemplated not walking the halls and laying down instead hoping to keep me from progressing.  After a little walking and lots of contractions I was dilated to a 5 and they decided to keep me and let me have my baby.  Since my contractions weren't strong they wanted to break my water to help move things along.  I asked for my epidural after that and I was behind 2 other girls.  It didn't take long for my contractions to get really strong and uncomfortable.  I was in so much pain and had no idea how to deal with it.  I couldn't get comfortable and wasn't getting much rest in-between each one.  Since I was waiting for my epidural I was hooked up to saline and the water was just going straight through me, it was so uncomfortable.  Sam was trying to help but couldn't in anyway.  Finally after about an hour the anethiesologist showed up for the epidural.  He tried to small talk but I was pretty straight forward that he needed to get going on placing it.  It was so hard to hold still but he got it in and then I had to wait for it to kick it.  Right after they placed it the nurse checked me and I was ready to push the baby out.  I should have had her check me before the epidural because I would have just gone without and pushed her out and not wasted all that time.  However it was nice to be so numb after the delivery.  I could actually be comfortable in bed.  After that everything just was a whirl.  They were rushing to get the room ready, dr. Cannon showed up and 10 minutes later Ruby was there.  She had a little trouble breathing so a specialist came but she worked it out on her own.  Right after I was done getting stitched up Preston and Liz showed up, Kim and Jason arrived right as I was being transferred and a little later that night my mom came.  Ruby brought the sweetest spirit with her and instantly it felt right to have her there.

I feel like I always need a nap after delivering before I can really enjoy my babies.  The next morning I couldn't wait to have her back from the nursery and start getting to know her.  After each baby I have walked away with a new insight and learned something new.  Ruby's was so fast and uncomfortable but her recovery was so much easier and my body did it itself.  I loved having her during the day so people could meet her right away.

some day are better than others

Being a mom has taught me more in two years than I could have ever learned any other way.  More patience, more long suffering, more love, more kindness, more forgiveness.... Monday I woke up and had intentions of making the day a relaxing, close to home day.  The weekends are always so busy I like to have a recuperation day that allows me to follow my kids schedules and needs.  Before 10 AM I had already had quite the morning.  Mack got into the utility closet and got out the sponges that Sam used on our backsplash and before I realized that they were filled with dried grout my kitchen floor was a sandy mess.  Luckily he 'helped' me sweet it up.  Then after breakfast while we were putting away all the food Mack again 'helped' me close the fridge door a bit too hard causing the water jug, which I just filled spill all over the shelves.  But the fridge needed to be wiped down anyways.  By 10 AM I had changed 5 diapers and not washed my face or gotten dress.  But for some reason I handled these things as cool as a cat.  I just reminded Mack to be soft or had him help with the towels etc.  Even though I hadn't done my make up or hair I threw on my exercise clothes and jogged up to the park and we spent the morning there.

Yesterday was the opposite.  No major events that could have been really frustrating happened but Mack was just hard and our heads were butting.  Every time I finally got him settled Ruby would need attention and I never got a break for a few hours.  I lost my patience, my cool, multiple times and sent both Mack and I crying over and over again all morning long.  Just when I was getting everyone into the car to escape our morning my mom pulled into the driveway.  She was truly following a spiritual prompting to come and check on us.  I needed a friend and a little extra help.  We headed to Harmons and did her grocery shopping and ate corn dogs as we shopped.  I love my mom.  She always is looking out for me.  She understands that it's hard to be in my shoes and doesn't tell me that I am doing it perfectly or what a good job I am doing because she knows I'm trying my best but she knows that I will have a hard time too.  She shows me by example how to handle my kids.  She shows me that there is no formula but I need to understand my kids needs and fulfill them and teach them while doing that.

Today is a new day that hasn't quite started yet.  I have a choice every day of how I am going to make it.  Today will be good.  I have a fresh start and I intend to make it better than yesterday.  I love my kids and being a mom.  Even though it's hard it's double the joy.